Silver

An interesting quote from Godard's Masculin Feminin:

"We'd often go to the movies. We'd shiver as the screen lit up. But more often, Madeline and I would be disappointed. More often we'd be disappointed. The images flickered. Marilyn Monroe looked terribly old. It saddened us. It wasn't the film we had dreamed, the film we all carried in our hearts, the film we wanted to make... and secretly wanted to live."

I could not help but to re-transcribe Godard's words. There is something so...tragically beautiful about it. I don't particularly share Paul's sentiment concerning his disappointment with the movies. I don't think the magic of watching something larger than life play before my eyes will wear off. I cannot think of anything better than to be bombarded with flashing images and thunderous sound. It's epic. There's nothing else that causes me to entirely surrender myself--not one single thing that consumes my soul and holds it captive.

There's a part in Catcher in the Rye where Holden disdainfully comments on people who are always in a rush to get to a movie, stating how they looked like it would be the end of the world if they missed their movie. I must confess, I always feel a strong sense of urgency , giddiness and anxiety as I'm heading to the movie theater. I cannot even begin to fathom what I would do if I missed the opening credits.

I'm also very particular about where I sit. I love sitting somewhere in the middle, not too far behind lest I begin to feel detached from the experience, and not too close so as to avoid being subjected to straining my neck. I love to feel the warm glow of light bounce off the screen from the projector and just covering me, embracing me.

The thing about sitting in a movie theater is that it's such an engaging experience. The screen demands your full attention on account of its grand stature. You are left powerless, and it consumes your soul.And yet..And yet it is not a passive experience; it is not like television. On the contrary, it's very active and demands total immersion from its viewers. I am not a religious person, and quite frankly I doubt I ever will be. In spite of this, however, I remember going to a church service two Easters ago that just enthralled me not because of its religious content but because of its rituals. It was cinematic. It might sound hyperbolic, but I feel the most spiritually at ease in a movie theater.

And with that said, it is difficult to ignore the escapist nature of film. While I am a strong believer that cinema elevates the soul and the being, it simultaneously provides an escape from one's own reality. I find very dissappointing whenever a movie ends and the credits begin to roll. It almost feel like any metaphysical and existential cleansing I had just experienced dissipates.

It is no real secret that I have cinematic aspirations. I would very much like to actively craft and recreate this experience for others, as well as for myself. Part of it stems from the obvious self-absorbed reasons--self-validation, fame, adoration, etc. But another part of me wants to contribute to the betterment of the human condition; to provide a means and to facilitate the improvement of our society. Of course, to even think such thoughts is absurd and somewhat even delusional. Do I honestly think I am capable of doing so? Quite frankly, I'd rather not answer this question because I am afraid of what it would reveal to me. I would very much like to think that someday I will try. I think what scares me the most is that if I did try, I would fail miserably, and would come off as nothing more than pedestrian and uninspired. It's somewhat paralyzing, particularly because my biggest fear is to be that: mediocre. On the other side of the coin, however, I have this strong inkling that maybe I am destined for something like this, almost to the point where it borders on being someone who possesses delusions of grandeur. I could only hope that this part of my personality will eventually win out and take over. Yeah, it's scary to think of yourself as someone who will fail, but then again, I think it'll be more depressing to think that I didn't even give myself an opportunity to fail.