Opening Day!

Holy crap! It's opening day!  Cubs v. Astros. Will this be the year?

In other news, Michael Jordan was inducted into the basketball hall of fame. 

Old Time Baseball, Conan Style

Conan O'Brien hosted his late night show for the last time a little over a week ago. His comedic stylings were such an integral part of my teen years. In his honor, and because baseball is in the air (Spring training is around the corner) and in my dvd player (Ken Burns' Baseball), here's a video from Conan's show. It's stuff like this that made him so funny



For those of you who live abroad, try this link.

Mid-Week Cleanup

1. Never really cared much for horoscopes, but this week's issue of The Onion will make a believer out of me:

Gemini: Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn't last another 100 years, but that's because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.

2. Terrell Owens has been released from the Dallas Cowboys after three seasons. I've got to say, I'm not quite sure what to make of this. Granted, TO does have a track record of being a major distraction. He did it in Philly and in San Fransisco, but I think he truly was devoted to the organization. Despite his age, his game-changing ability is not easily replaced. Without him, all we have is an overvalued andoverhyped wide receiver in Roy Williams. Speaking of Roy Williams, the other one ,the safety, was finally cut from the team. Good riddance. He's past his prime and he's only 28. My team's panicking. I'm panicking. The pressure is now on TonyRomo. If he can't win, he'll no longer have anyone blame but himself.

3. Does anyone actually enjoy the comedic stylings of Larry the Cable Guy? I only ask because apparently Comedy Central seems to think so. They've been really pushing this "Roast of Larry the Cable Guy" pretty heavily. What kind of demographic does he appeal to? Maybe David Cross knows. Below is a segment from an open letter he wrote to Larry the Cable Guy:

I remember thinking (occasionally, not all the time) "what a bunch of dumb redneck, easily entertained, ignorant motherfuckers. I can't believe the stupid shit they think is funny." So, yes, I do know your audience, and they suck. And they're simple.

His words not mine. While I may not find his comedy particularly funny, I somewhat understand how people with a certain disposition might perceive him to be amusing. After all, topical humor is the reason why Tyler Perry has a career (yay nouveau blaxploitation!), and if it weren't for Dane Cook, what would douchebags laugh at?

Kanye West, Baseball, etc.

Kanye West is hillarious. His words:

“I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”

In other news, I have taken it up on myself to watch the Ken Burns documentary on Baseball. It's 9 discs, with each disc being 2 hours long. So far, it's amazing.

TORN #3

I'm sitting at a half empty bar, about to watch the Dallas Cowboys game. I couldn't watch it at home because Time Warner cable does not carry the NFL Network. So far this season I don't think I've missed a Cowboys game and I didn't want to miss this one. It's the last game to be played at Texas Stadium, a place so deeply rooted in the American sports consciousness that it's a bit difficult to not get a bit sentimental about it. Add to that the playoff implications and this easily becomes one of the biggest games of the regular season. One thing I've always regretted is not attending a game at such a historic stadium, but so it goes...

1.Question: Why is there a hole in the roof of Texas Stadium? Answer: So God can watch his favorite team play on Sunday.

2. Earlier this week, there was an article on ESPN.com about the reporter's most significant memories from Texas Stadium since it first opened. Interestingly enough one of my favorite memories as a Cowboys fan made the list, and it's not particularly a victorious moment. The late 90s and the first part of this decade has been rough for Cowboys fans. The last Super Bowl win happened in January of 96, nearly 13 years ago. That's more than half my lifetime. Similarly, the last time the Cowboys won a playoff game was in December of 1996. So, again, more than a decade since a playoff win. The time spanning from 1996 to about 2004 has been a dark period in Cowboys history, and yet those were my most formative years as a sports fan. Things don't seem so grim now with Tony Romo (our Holy Savior) at the helm of the team, but it's been rough. In September of 2000 the Cowboys played the San Francisco 49ers at home. The 90s were all about this particular rivalry, with 5 of the 10 Super Bowl victories won by either of these two teams (The 'Boys won 3, and the Niners won 2. Conversely, these two teams are tied for most Super Bowl wins, 5.) During that game, the Niners were beating up on us, and it wasn't pretty. That Niners team featured a young megalomaniac named Terrell Owens ( haha,he now plays for the Cowboys) who after scoring his first touchdown ran to midfield from the end zone and posed on top of the star. Later in the game, he ran and did the same thing, only he spiked the ball, adding insult to injury. That didn't last long, however. As Owens ran towards the middle of the field, Corner George Teague ran after him and just knocked him out cold. Teague sent a message. This is our house. Do not disrespect us. I think that did more for me as a fan than anything else. Even at our lowest moment, the players were proud to wear the Blue star on that silver helmet and that meant alot to me.



3. Tracy Morgan is a funny motherfucker. I think what makes him funny as shit is his lack of social tact. Earlier today, in between laundry and cleaning my room, I found this. If ay of you get a chance, you should check out Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. It's transcendental.

4. I'm drunk. Bars with wireless internet=brilliantly evil.

T.O.R.N. No. 2- The "T" Edition

Haven't updated in a while. No excuse. Straight up laziness. Figured I'd write another TORN. Writing in short sentences. Whoops! Sorry, couldn't help it. I recently re-read the Watchmen graphic novel and really dug Rorschach's style of journal entries. It was no-bullshit, straight up facts style of writing. Anyway, today's TORN edition features things that start with the letter T. Without further ado, here we go:

1. Twilight: Can people just get the fuck over this dumb bullshit craze already? For fucking real, I can't get away from it. A lot of comparisons have been made between this franchise and the Harry Potter one, and while these associations are legitimate, I’d have to say that Twilight takes the “If one of you piece of shit motherfuckers brings this up again, I will shoot you in the face” Award. Yes, the HP series was ridiculous in terms of how many people obsessed over mediocre CHILDREN’S books, and unfortunately the HP wave is still not done with 2 or 3 movies still waiting to be released/made. Yes, it did warm my heart when people drove around in their cars spoiling the ending of the last book to loser fans who waited all day in line for the midnight release of the last book in the series. BUT, I guess the one redeeming quality of the series is that ultimately it got a lot of kids to read. Granted, it was trite and unimaginative. Hell, even Harold Bloom, the great literary critic felt compelled to knock Rowling off her pedestal. Still it got kids to read. Twilight, however, doesn’t really have much of a redeemable quality. The same arguments employed to justify and legitimize the HP series aren’t really in play here. First of all, the books are meant for young adults. Well, young tweens and teenage girls. I seriously doubt many teenage boys are reading this filth. Unfortunately, the readership of this quasi-literary trash is much greater than that. Not a day goes by without one of the secretaries at work raving about the books. The most common expression I hear is “I never read and you wouldn’t catch me dead with a book, but Twilight has changed my life. I’m like a big reader now. I can’t put it down”. Really? Is that admission you really want to make public? What is wrong with you fucking people?? Shit, even the actors who will star in your movie think it’s bullshit! Ugh, alright, I’m done with this. I’m going to get an ulcer. Moving on.

2. The Big Three Bailout: Big Business Bailouts need to stop. I find it appalling that the major automotive company—companies that have been on the forefront of mismanagement and lack of innovation—are asking for a hand out. It’s absurd that a company that bleeds out money is asking for public funds. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly justify this. Their refusal to make any concessions in terms of pay and perks—such as flying their private jets to a meeting-- as they make their demands is a slap to the face to anyone who has ever paid taxes. There are other alternatives than to just throw money at a problem and hope it goes away. There was a very good opinion piece by Mitt Romney in the NY Times op-ed section yesterday where he suggested that we allow these companies to go bankrupt. Filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy is probably the only solution to this problem. It would force these companies to restructure, something these behemoths sorely need.

3. Tony Romo: I have a man crush on Tony Romo. It’s not because he’s the quarterback for my favorite team. Hell, if that were the case, my stomach wouldn’t turn every time someone mentioned the Quincy Carter era in Dallas, or as I like to call it the Dark Ages. No, my heterosexual and platonic infatuation with Tony Romo goes beyond his performance on the gridiron. I think it’s the manner in which he carries himself on and off the field. On the field, he exemplifies the ‘for the love of the game’ mentality. His demeanor is the on-field representation of what being a fan is. When they score, he jumps for joy, just as we jump for joy. Even in tragedy his actions are a manifestation of the fans’. There is no better example of this than the 2006 NFC Wild Card game between the Cowboys and the Seahawks (Romo’s first season). The game ended what could’ve been a game winning field goal being botched, and Romo picking up the ball only to be stopped short of the end zone. After this, a crushed Romo just sat on the field holding his helmet. That image will remain with me for a long time. It’s definitely up there along with the Steve Bartman ruining the Cubs’ chance to go to the World Series in 90+ years. What makes Tony Romo so damn likeable is he appears to be such a grounded guy. I truly believe that he considers himself to be a very lucky person, and this realization is something that keeps him humble. Beyond this, he also seems like a respectable human being. In this football season alone, Romo has been in the headlines for acts of kindness towards others. The first is helping to change a couple’s tire at 2:30 am after a game. That’s class. There was a similar feel good story in the papers today. I mean how can you not like the guy? I have friends who root for the Cowboys now because they love Tony Romo. That’s amazing.

4. The Game: The Yale-Harvard Game is this Saturday. I wish I could be there. It’s so much fun. Drinking heavily the night before, sleeping for a handful of hours, waking up and shotgunning a beer to stave off the morning hangover, followed by more indulging in alcohol and food. Some of my best college memories happened at the Yale-Harvard game. Plus, it's always amusing making fun of Harvard kids and their lame ass ways. This year ends my 6 year streak of being there. Thankfully, it’s always one of the few Ivy League games that’s aired on television. GO ELIS!

Alright, I think this is it for now. I'm going to go to lunch after not working for 3 1/2 hours.

Thoughts, Observations, Ruminations, and News (or TORN No. 1)

Morning folks. First off, the end of daylight savings times is a wonderful thing. Not only do we get back an hour of sleep, but for me personally it feels like I got up earlier and have been getting more things done this morning than I have in the last couple of weekends. For that reason, I felt it was pertinent for me to update this blog. As always, I will try to not talk about me personally because, honestly, I think the difference between a blog and a journal is just that. Journals are self-indulgent masturbatory writing sessions, while blogging is hoping someone else intellectually masturbates you by your incisive comments. Now, moving on!

1) I think the most pertinent thing on the agenda right now is the upcoming election. I have this uneasy feeling that Obama will be robbed of the election and people will do nothing about it. So, first thing's first. GO VOTE! Despite the fact that this has been a record breaking year in terms of new voters registered and early voting, young people (from the ages of 18-35) have disproportionately been underperforming in comparison to other demographics. This is a big fucking deal! Historically, of course, young people always have a poor showing when it comes to voting. But this shouldn't be the case. I think this election is important because it will prove to be a generational shift. My friend Greg and I have spent so much time talking about the election and how important it will be in defining America's future. At one point we were discussing writing an op-ed together, but our busy schedules didn't permit us to do so and so that idea fizzled out. Some of the most interesting point was the role this election will play in determining how the world will perceive us as a country. This is important because 1) we live in a global society. Nationalism each day means less and less, and 2) if this trend continues, we will no longer be the superpower. I think two things can be said about the political climate of this country from the last 10 years or so ,and those two things are:

a) The Bush Administration is best summed up by a Simpsons' episode entitled "Trash of the Titans" It's quite brilliant. Yes, I do realize that employing pop cultural references is symptomatic of our generation, but alas, we use the tools we can to make sense of a nonsensical world. In the episode, Homer decides to run for Sanitary Commissioner of Springfield because of a personal vendetta. Homer insults the garbage men, which results in his trash pick up service being discontinued. The matter can be easily resolved with a simple apology, but instead Homer decides to take over a position which he's clearly not qualified for. Sound familiar, anyone? Now, in a rational scenario, Homer would've lost hands down, but then again Springfield, much like our country, is anything but rational. Anything can happen. Needless to say Homer wins the election because of the brilliance and simplicity of his campaign platform: "Can't Someone Else Do It?". In the end, Homer screws up royally and when they try to replace the new regime with the previous administration-- an efficient and functional one-- Ray Patterson, the dethroned Sanitary Commissioner rejects his old job saying that he was content watching Springfield "wallowing in the mess that [they've] made." This is exactly a perfect summation of what the last ten years have been, only it's not as funny because....well, because this is our reality.

b) The importance of this upcoming Tuesday cannot be overstated. At the risk of sounding like an alarmist, this really is a generation-defining election. It falls under a curious time in history where one generation is on it’s way out whereas the other is up on the stage, front and center. It’s the baby boomers versus the Millenials. I say versus because, yes, unfortunately we are at odds with one another. Ours is the generation of racial tolerance and equality (though they’re the ones who fought for it, we are the ones that are living it). I’m not trying to sound ungrateful, because I’m not. The opportunities that I've been given in my lifetime were a direct result of the fights of the past generation. However, we need to take into consideration that the cultural and political landscape has changed dramatically in that time span and quite frankly the baby boomers need to fucking go. Fuck it. Go. If we as a society are going to fuck up this country even more, then shit, at least let us do it. You guys already fucked our shit up so much. Go retire to Florida. Go golfing. I don't care. Just get the fuck out of our way. We're called the Slacker generation ,but shit, I mean how can we not feel disillusioned if you've been in power for so long. Which brings me to Item No. 2.

2) In the last week I've read two interesting blogs about generational differences (you guys recognize a pattern here?) and felt compelled to talk about them. The first is Don't Mistake Ambition for Entitlement. Every week I seem to have a conversation (usually with a coworker) in which I have to defend my generation, and quite frankly after a while, it gets old. We are not slackers, dammit! Ok, we are, but that doesn't mean that we don't want to better ourselves. We refuse to achieve our goals in the same fashion as you guys. How's that working out for you, by the way? How's your 401k right now? Was it worth it, to hold on to ideals meant for a society that no longer really exists? Granted, not everyone is ambitious, but I think it's ridiculous to write an entire generation off simply because we refuse to follow in your footsteps. I'm not saying we're not going to fuck shit up, but at least give us the opportunity to do so. With that said,

3) The other link is titled The Shallowest Generation. The main argument is that alot of social/environmental/economic woes can be attributed to the Boomers. Because really, who else is to blame? In the last 40 years what has been accomplished? Granted, one of their biggest accomplishments was attaining a greater sense of racial equality, but in that time span the socioeconomic gap has grown so much it looks like the Grand Canyon. Economic inequality is the new issue that needs to be addressed. We cannot afford to leave this issue go unattended.

4) The Longhorns lost. Maybe I'm an asshole, but it made me happy. The highlight of the evening was hearing from several people how the Texas Tech fans were classless for storming the field. Isn't that what jubilant sports fans do after a immense victory over a big rival? Also, how dare these people call other fans classless when one of their cheers is 'Make them eat shit'. For real.

Alright, I think this is it right now. Plus, football is on.

My feud with Gene Wojciechowski, ESPN Sports Writer and Contributor

I am a Cubs fan, unfortunately. As a result, I have grown up in a one sided relationship in which the other is abusive, dissapointing, and inconsiderate of my feelings. I have grown accustomed to pain. This year, it was even worse. Needless to say, I am still recovering from the hangover needed to forget about the Cubs. Anyway, in my drunken haze I decided it would be a good idea to email Gene Wojciechowski, a senior national sports columnist for ESPN.com and ESPN The Magazine. Below is the text of my original email:

Subject: fuck you

may you burn in hell. you root and represent for everything that i detest about sports. You bald headed motherfucker. I hope you burn in hell

I sent out this email on Saturday night after reading a very unfriendly article he had written about the Cubbies. He had a valid point, but being in the state that I was, there was no way I would listen to logic. Needless to say, I decided to hit the 'Send' button.

Well, turns out that wasn't the end of it. At some point during Sunday afternoon, as I was nursing my hangover and watching the Cowboys game, I get an email in my inbox. It's from Gene. It's not an automated response. It's his reply, posted below:

Fidel,

Kiss your mother with that mouth?
Anyway, it’s great to be recognized by your peers.
Have a great day.

I don't think I've felt like this much of an asshole in a while. The worst part is that I probably wouldn't have felt like a dick wad if he had not responded, or if it was an automated email response. No. He called me out on my bullshit, without stooping down to my level. Damn. I actually felt bad enough I needed to apologize. So I did. Unfortunately I'm too proud to fully admit I'm wrong. So I sent him a Someecard. I wonder if he will reply...

Cubbies

I'm trying not to get too excited for this, but the Cubs are once again in the playoffs. On a related note, tomorrow is my company's first softball game, and I'm donning number 38 in honor of BIG Z (Carlos Zambrano). Zambrano, who not only is my favorite baseball player, also threw the first no hitter in Cubbie history since Milt Pappas in 1972 and is also one of the main reason why we have a shot of doing what hasn't been done in 100 years. I, along the whole city of Chicago, am holding my breath for the next month or so.

Absurd Link of the Week

9 year old Boy Banned from Little League for Being Too good

from the linked ESPN.com article:

League attorney Peter Noble says the only factor in banning Jericho from the mound is his pitches are just too fast.

"He is a very skilled player, a very hard thrower," Noble said. "There are a lot of beginners. This is not a high-powered league. This is a developmental league whose main purpose is to promote the sport."

Noble acknowledged that Jericho had not beaned any batters in the co-ed league of 8- to 10-year-olds, but say parents expressed safety concerns.

There are two things that are emblematic in describing the idealized vision of the American way of life. Equal opportunity and a strong spirit of competition. While these two don’t exactly characterize and fully describe what being an American is, there is enough of a presence in our society to say that these are somewhat accurate characteristics. These two, I believe, play off of each other and often co-exist peacefully. Once in a while, however, people (dumb fucking people who should be sterilized) are so concerned with keeping things on an even keel that not only does it hinder the notion of competitiveness, but completely squashes it.
I think the right to equal opportunity (for the most part) is what makes this a great country. However, egalitarianism and equality can sometimes be a double-edged sword in which more harm than good is done. Of course, the same can be said about competition being taken to the extreme. I can recall a personal experience in which a kid I played little league with was instructed by the coach—who also happened to be his dad—to purposefully bean the opposing team’s best batter just to give our team an advantage. However, this happens with less frequency and is usually attributed to people being complete assholes. In contrast, this story is symptomatic of a deteriorating culture.
The problem extends beyond the realm of sports and competition. Our society is concerned with equality in other aspects of daily life, such as our education system. A notable example of this is the implementation of the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001.Similarly, general distrust for those who are better has become the norm. This can be seen in politics where candidates have much more success if they are better at portraying themselves as regular blue-collar folk. This same mentality is the reason why Obama’s perception of an elitist had a negative effect on his poll numbers.
This kind of behavior not only punishes those who strive to be better but also rewards and promotes mediocrity. It further propagates the argument that we live in a country where entitlement is rampant. Why would anyone try harder to maximize their potential when its as rewarding to strive for mediocrity? As alarmist as this might sound, if this trend continues our future will be that of a dystopia not unlike the world the characters in Kurt Vonnegut’s short story “Harrison Bergeron”. Quite frankly, that’s not a world I want to live in. So yeah, fuck it, let the kid play. Let him pitch his no-hitters.