Trees

As promised, here is one of the short little pieces of writing I've written as a means to clear my writing block. It's about trees.

They found him leaning against the oak tree with a smile on his face. Was I surprised when I heard? No, not really. That's where I would've looked if I was in their shoes. It was fitting, really. Only place he didn't feel like a freak.
The kid had been dealt a real bad hand. The drunken asshole he had for a stepfather always gave him the kind of grief that left bruises. He deserved what came to him. His mom, well, let's just say she had time for everyone else but him. School was no different. The freaks and geeks, jocks and beauty queens. He was everyone's personal little punching bag. Not even the teachers liked him. He wasn't smart enough for them. And me? Well, he was family. What could I do about that?
I'd find him sitting there on my way home from practice. Always had that coke can box with him. "That's where I keep my orc army and my paints," he would tell me. Bunch of overpriced plastic if you asked me, but I never told him anything. It didn't seem right.
Something was up that day. I had missed the bus that morning, and things just kept going from worse to shit. I didn't see him there. No carton box, no slouched figure with a paint brush in his hand. Didn't think much of it. All I could think of was how coach had run us like dogs.
He was dead when the hounds found him with his late daddy's war pistol in hand. No cuts, no blood, at least none that belonged to him. Nothing. Heart just stopped beating. He used to say the shade protected him. Said he felt nothing could happen to him so long as he didn't step outside of what the leaves covered.

B-B-B-Baaack!

Okay, so I haven't posted here since before the Metalocalypse, and truthfully, I've been working on so many independent projects that I haven't had much time to update, so for that I apologize. If there's still any readers left, then, thank you for not leaving. Seriously.

Part of my overextended hiatus can be attributed to the fact that I never really established much of a cohesive theme. It was just a space where I wrote and ranted about whatever struck my fancy. I'm going to continue to do that. The theme is that there is no theme to this bloggity blog. Just a bunch of random shit, now with more rants!

Since my last post, I have also been working on several writing exercises with a good friend of college where we write short 300 word segments about a specific theme each week. Since only she and I are reading them, I figured I'd post the best one of the week here.

Anyway, to summarize. I've been gone for too long, but I should be writing here more often.

I don't wanna grow up

I'm a worrier by nature. What can I say? I can't help it. If I'm having fun, I worry that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and vice versa. My most recent source of concern has been how old I've begun to feel. I know, I know. You're probably thinking its absurd to be under 25 and question whether I'm past my prime. Well, any other day I would have agreed with you, but today is unlike any other day. What makes today different is  that I ran across a blog titled 'wanna feel old'.

Personal staples that make me feel old:

1. The Matrix came out over 10 years ago 

2.  Gmail is 5 years old

3.The last time the Dallas Cowboys won a Super Bowl was 13 years ago.

4. Starcraft first came out in 1998 when I was 12.

5. My parents first bought a dvd player in the summer of 1997, the year of its availability in the US, for $300 dollars. Today, you can get one for as little as 20 dollars.

Good times.

Opening Day!

Holy crap! It's opening day!  Cubs v. Astros. Will this be the year?

In other news, Michael Jordan was inducted into the basketball hall of fame. 

The Brilliance of Jon Stewart

I've been slipping lately. To make up for it ,here's a Jon Stewart standup bit from 96.

Old Time Baseball, Conan Style

Conan O'Brien hosted his late night show for the last time a little over a week ago. His comedic stylings were such an integral part of my teen years. In his honor, and because baseball is in the air (Spring training is around the corner) and in my dvd player (Ken Burns' Baseball), here's a video from Conan's show. It's stuff like this that made him so funny



For those of you who live abroad, try this link.

Absurdity of the Week, The Shabby State of the Republican Party Edition

Question: How desperate are the Republicans?

Answer: So desperate they're rallying behind a 14 year old kid.

You are Great!

If you have 16 minutes to spare, you should watch this video. It'll make you smile and feel nice warm and fuzzy. Hell, it made me do that! Have a great weekend everyone.

Mid-Week Cleanup

1. Never really cared much for horoscopes, but this week's issue of The Onion will make a believer out of me:

Gemini: Everyone laughed when you said mankind wouldn't last another 100 years, but that's because you did it in a funny Mexican accent.

2. Terrell Owens has been released from the Dallas Cowboys after three seasons. I've got to say, I'm not quite sure what to make of this. Granted, TO does have a track record of being a major distraction. He did it in Philly and in San Fransisco, but I think he truly was devoted to the organization. Despite his age, his game-changing ability is not easily replaced. Without him, all we have is an overvalued andoverhyped wide receiver in Roy Williams. Speaking of Roy Williams, the other one ,the safety, was finally cut from the team. Good riddance. He's past his prime and he's only 28. My team's panicking. I'm panicking. The pressure is now on TonyRomo. If he can't win, he'll no longer have anyone blame but himself.

3. Does anyone actually enjoy the comedic stylings of Larry the Cable Guy? I only ask because apparently Comedy Central seems to think so. They've been really pushing this "Roast of Larry the Cable Guy" pretty heavily. What kind of demographic does he appeal to? Maybe David Cross knows. Below is a segment from an open letter he wrote to Larry the Cable Guy:

I remember thinking (occasionally, not all the time) "what a bunch of dumb redneck, easily entertained, ignorant motherfuckers. I can't believe the stupid shit they think is funny." So, yes, I do know your audience, and they suck. And they're simple.

His words not mine. While I may not find his comedy particularly funny, I somewhat understand how people with a certain disposition might perceive him to be amusing. After all, topical humor is the reason why Tyler Perry has a career (yay nouveau blaxploitation!), and if it weren't for Dane Cook, what would douchebags laugh at?

Kanye West, Baseball, etc.

Kanye West is hillarious. His words:

“I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”

In other news, I have taken it up on myself to watch the Ken Burns documentary on Baseball. It's 9 discs, with each disc being 2 hours long. So far, it's amazing.

A Running Diary of Jimmy Fallon's New Show

Conan O'Brien has been a fixture of my weekday nights since high school. The man is goofy, and just plain funny. I can't think of any other late night show host who has made me squeal and snort from laughing to hard. Starting in June he's going to move to Jay Leno's old spot, and as a result he has moved to LA. I hope he doesn't change, though he probably will because he has to appeal to a wider audience. Anyway, this isn't about Conan. I figured I'd keep a running diary of Jimmy Fallon at the helm of the Late Night. Without Further ado...

11:37pm
The show opens with Jimmy Fallon getting ready in his dressing room. His predecessor, Conan, is there picking up the last of his things. Funny little awkward interaction. A little passing of the torch.This looks promising.

11:38pm
The opening sequence is definitely more urban. This is complimented with having The Roots as his backing band. Could be my own bias, but they're no Max Weinberg. Max Weinberg was funny in that sketchy pervert sort of way.

11:39pm
Jimmy Fallon just walked out looking a little uptight. He does not have the same loose energy than conan. I wonder if he'll laugh at his own jokes. First joke kind of bombed, followed by a series of mediocre ones.

11:45
First segue segment-- before the interviews. This was probably the thing Conan did the best with sketches like "in the year 2000", "the masturbating bear", etc. It's really is unfortunate that he has to fill for Conan. He ends ths first segment with a plea of 'come on right back, please!'. A little dseperate. I'd give this a C for effort.

11:51
Lick it for 10? This kind of strikes me as a leno-like segment. What makes Conan more appealing than Leno is conan's ability to be more risque than his predecessor. Unfortunately Jimmy isn't taking advantage of this later timespot. Lick it for 10 is basically people licking lame objects for 10 bucks. The first guy licked a lawn mower, the girl licked a printer, and the third guy is licking a goldfish bowl. This was entirely pointless and a waste of five minutes. Definitely an F

Sidenote: This got me thinking. My friend Ned asked me if Jimmy Fallon was funnier/better than Carson Daly, and that's a blatant yes. Who isn't? Also, how much does it suck to be him. You follow Conan for 3 plus years, and when Conan gets bumped up to the first slot, instead of him being promoted, they bring someone else. I wonder how that conversation went. " No, it's not you ,it's....well, yeah, actually it's you. We figured we'll just keep you where you are. What's that? No one knows your on tv? That's not true! Stoners and a drunkards watch your show! And sure, they may be too fucked up to know you're on, but hey it's better than no audience right?"

11:59
Firsrt Guest is Robert DeNiro. One of the things that Conan excelled in was in having a great dynamic with his guests. Deniro looks like he doesn't want to be there. Oh man, this is so awkward. Why do people think they can always impersonate DeNiro. Very few people do a good job. Paul Rudd does a wonderful Deniro in 'Knocked Up'. Anyway, interview over. D.

12:17
Justin Timberlake is on. This has devolved into an inside joke of a sketch they did on SNL together. 'What was I going to say, now I'm lost,' said jimmy. truest thing you've said tonight, buddy. You ARE lost.B-

12:25
The camera pans into a wide shot. Again, we see DeNiro thinking to himself 'wtf am I doing here'.

12:28
Van Morisson is the musical guest. Nothing really much to say about the musical guests. they're all the same.

12:35
Well, show's over. Nothing worth writing home about. Overall, it'd give it a D+. At least he's trying.

The Economy, Explained

Over the last three weeks I have been somewhat of a recluse. This is an unfortunate occurrence that is beyond my control. My new schedule keeps me at work during the ideal time of hanging out with friends. As a result, I have come to depend on This American Life as a means to connect with humanity. It's such a lovely program, I can't recommend it enough.

The reason I bring This American Life again is because over the last year they have had a handful of segments that explain what's going on in terms of the economy that are easy to understand. This week's episode focused on banks and why their collapse would be devastating for our economic system. Their explanation was concise and easy to understand. What did I deduce from all of this? Well, quite frankly we're fucked.

Please check out the episode here. It will help give you a better understanding of what's going on.

Yet Again, Alec Baldwin Proves He's a Comedic Genius

Absurd Link of the Week, The People Making Bad Choices Edition

Have fallen behind in the 40 posts in 40 days challenege I clearly need to double up.

In other news, what do you do when your significant other physically abuses you for the whole world to see? Well, if you're Rihanna you clearly get back together with him. According to People Magazine, they have gotten back together after 3 weeks of being separated. Way to set an example to millions of girls. If your boyfriend beats you, it's probably something you did. Thank you for perpetuating the subjugation of women and justifying domestic abuse . Here's how I imagine the conversation they had:

Chris Brown: Hey babe, happy birthday.
Rihanna: who is this?
CB: It's me, Chris Brown, just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday
Rihanna: oh, uh....thanks.
CB: And I also wanted to apologize for that....you know, whole beating you up deal. I'm sorry, I truly am, but sometimes you just make me so mad, and you're so pretty that I don't want to lose you. You know how it is in the rap world. I need to build up my cred, and I can't have my bitch disrespecting me in public. I had to make an example out of you. It hurts me more than it hurts you. So what do you say, you forgive me?
Rihanna: Oh Chris, your'e such a romantic.

And, end scene. Yup, our world's going down the toilet.

Greatest Films of All Time, According to Roger Ebert

Pretty interesting list.
Some highlights:
Annie Hall
Le Samourai
El Topo
Manhattan
Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia

There are some interesting titles in this list. The inclusion of 'Say Anything' surprised me. Good for John Cusack.

Writing 40 entries in 40 days will prove to be a challenge. I'e decided that my original challenge was 40 entries in 40 days, but this doesn't mean that I'll have to post one a day. I just have to average one entry per day, but if I miss one, I'll double up, and so on and so forth.

Pre-Spring Cleaning

Cleaned up the layout. New Experiment. I'm not catholic but I played one as a child. It's Lent. What does this mean, you ask? Well, for me it means 40 days, 40 posts. Should be interesting, should be difficult. I don't even think I had a total of 40 blogposts last year. Hell, I don't even think there are a total of 40 blog posts since I first started. We'll see how it goes.

A quick pimp out to the new blog , Around the Couch. Interesting stuff from different collaborators (myself included). My latest entry is about television portrayal of nerds and why it's bad. Pretty heavy stuff.

I like chorizo. Actually I like any Mexican food. Over the weekend, to cure a nasty hangover I went over to Fiesta! Supermarket (I don't think the exclamation point is there, but it should be) and ordered myself some Menudo. No, not the band, the dish. It was glorious. It's historical roots are also very fascinating.

In pre-revolutionary Mexico, poverty among the campesinos was chronic, and little if anything that might be prepared as food was left to waste. Usually, the best cuts of meat would go to the hacienda owners while the offal went to the peasants. These leftovers consisted of organ meats, brains, head, tails, hooves, etc. As cattle and sheep are ruminants that require lengthy intestinal tracts to digest their diet of grasses and raw seeds, the stomach is one of the largest pieces of offal available from these animals.

History and politics of food are neat. Off to Vulcan Video for 2 for 1 Wednesday.

1) After discovering my roommate had a French press, I have decided to join the ranks of those that brew their own coffee at home. Today was the first time, and although there were some glitches, it went quite alright. I'm gonna dig this whole not paying 2 bucks for a cup of coffee thing.

2) I'm reading the Sandman series. It's wild. I'd recommend it.

3) Today, I start my new job. Not looking forward to it. The hours are going to kill me. We'll see how things work out.

4) I really am making a concerted effort to write more and more.

New Home

Every other week, I will be posting on www.aroundthecouch.com, a collaborative blog started by one of my good college friends. This does not mean that I will stop writing here, though because the rate of blogging is less frequent than twice a week here, it'll mean that I'll probably write even less. I'm going to make a concerted effort to write more, though. New content will most assuredly be posted here. After all, www.aroundthecouch.com has a rule about keeping the language clean, and I most certainly need an outlet to swear my pretty little head off. Cunt, cock, shit, balls. Penis Holster. See, there. I feel better already